Fear is not real


In preparation for November’s book club, I just finished reading And Life Goes On by one of my favorite bloggers, Tricia Lott Williford and one of the chapter intros included a quote from Wild by Cheryl Strayed (another book club book – FTW).

Fear begets fear. Power begets power. I willed myself to beget power. And it wasn’t long before I actually wasn’t afraid.

I supposed that and the quote above all go in line with the power of positive thinking and mind over matter. But it is true – though dangerous situations are all around us and unpleasant “things” can occur at any time – fear stems from our minds. The unhealthy fear that keeps us from moving forward or trying new things, that fear is not real – it is truly a product of our own doing.

I have been thinking lately of what I am afraid of; what (in my head) is holding me back from things I want to pursue? In general, I don’t worry a ton about the big “what ifs” in life. What if someone I love gets cancer? What if someone I love dies unexpectedly? What if that car in front of me blows a tire and causes an accident? These are all possibilities and they would not be what I would choose for my life, but if they happen, I would/could/will deal with it. It would not be impossible. It might not be pleasant and it might feel near impossible, but it would not end me.

I don’t believe in the idea that we invite trouble into our lives by talking about it. I believe that things happen, regardless of what we do. I jokingly talk of karma when it comes to a rude person at the grocery store but I don’t really believe that we get anything we do or don’t deserve. Well, I do believe we get plenty we don’t deserve – we are blessed with so much goodness simply because of where we lucked out with being born. And if you believe in salvation and grace like I do, we get heaven simply because we say yes to Jesus. Talk about getting what we don’t deserve.

But I still have fears. Fears related to money. Fears related to parenting. Fears related to the other relationships in my life. Fear stinks and should have no place in our hearts and our heads. I think we should change out those fears and instead be proactive, addressing them and then moving past them, flipping them on their head and acknowledging that, yes, they come out of a true place we should look at but they should not stop us in our tracks. If we have a fear related to something, then do the work to turn it from a fear into a concern – something you are intentional about addressing. If you are afraid of losing a job or running out savings – meet with a financial planner, create a 10-year plan, go back to school and reinforce your achievements. If you are afraid you are failing your kids in your parenting – talk with someone, gain some perspective, work on your attitude and coping skills. If you are afraid that you are failing in your relationships, give them more of your time and your love. Fear needs only to be the signal to ourselves that we need to give something a little more attention so we can either fix a real problem or soothe our own concerns and diffuse the internal atomic bomb that is waiting inside of us to go off and wreck us. Dangers and problems are real, yes, but we don’t need to be afraid. We have it in us to handle things. And where we fail, well, then there’s God and His army of helpers who are at the ready to surround us and lift us up.

Do not be afraid. Easier said than done, amiright? I’m working on it, but God already has it all under control. Repeat after me, “Fear is not real.”

Hey there – you’re pretty

Back again after a long month… I missed you, did you miss me? Of course you did. It seems like time for a little update.

School is off and running and I believe we are enjoying our golden year of no homework. I hate homework, well, I don’t mind homework for myself because I actually enjoy doing it, but I HATE having to get my eldest to do his homework. It is the very worst. But we learned at curriculum night that Liam’s teacher doesn’t believe in homework and while that may come back to bite us next year when homework will likely return to our reality, for now, that fact makes this teacher my favorite person. And since kindergarteners don’t get homework, our evenings are quite blissful (outside of the fact we have two boys who are “spirited” and we are two parents who are “tired”). Hip, hip for the golden year! I shall remember you fondly for the rest of my days.

Jack’s teacher sort of bribed him into talking to the class about his hand, something he and I were both fine with, she knows his currency and offered him a fruit snack pack if he would field any questions about his hand the first day of class. He reported that he stood up and said, “This is my little hand. I was born this way; it’s just the way God made me.” And that was it. He did say one girl didn’t seem to be paying attention so she asked him about it multiple times after that – which appears to be a five-year-old quirk as I’ve had it reported to me that Jack is also relentless (and annoying) with his repetitive question-asking.

The day after Jack came off the bus crying because a kid had been hitting him and insisting on calling him ‘Jackson,’ I got a call from his teacher to report that she had another parent report to her that Jack was hitting their daughter on the playground. Sigh. SIGH. Jack admitted that he had done that and he missed out on recess that day. His teacher was thankfully understanding and said that her own son is very much like Jack so she’s “got his number” – I wish she would share it with me.

So school is going… well.

Outside of school, Jack managed to be the first person in our family to get non-surgically related stitches. Right across the top of his forehead. Thanks to a fairly unspectacular fall that fairly spectacularly smacked his head right into the fiberglass on our neighbor’s boat, we got to make our first visit to the pediatric emergency room, which is very nice (the peds ER, that is, head wounds are not very nice). We were getting ready to go watch fireworks on the river when Jack fell and for a moment I thought maybe he would just have a bit of a bruise and then his head moved and I saw the smear of blood and knew that was likely not the case. (For the record, when you get blood on somebody’s boat, I think the proper follow up is to give them a gift card to one of your favorite restaurants. It’s only right. The note should read: “Thanks for cleaning our child’s blood off your boat – sorry about that. And also thanks for entertaining our older child while we went to the hospital. Please enjoy some good food.”) And while I don’t freak out at blood and the like, I have learned that I do exclaim, “Oh sh!t!” I can confirm this because just the week prior, when Jack fell face first onto the rocks on the river behind another neighbor’s house, I said the same thing. He probably could have gotten a stitch in his chin but we just bandaged him up that time. And while we’re confirming things, I can confirm that the Samsung Galaxy 5 can be fully submerged in the river and still work seconds later, so those ads/claims are 100% accurate. In other news, I feel like I have aged a couple years in the past month.

Liam is proving to be our less exciting child which can only mean there’s something up his sleeve. He just regularly scares the crap out of us by popping out of his room an hour or so after bedtime because he “wants a cuddle” or jumps up from his bed and exclaims, “Surprise” when we check in on him on our way to bed. I mean, really.

Work/life is going well for both Simon and I – the transition to “normal” schedules is coming along. As transitions go, it’s kind of as expected. There’s a learning curve on many levels and I think as long as we remain aware of it and diligent about working the kinks out, we’ll find the new normal. It’s an adjustment, which I realize sounds vague and meh, but it’s true. I’m so happy to be figuring it out and making new habits and traditions with our family… but change is always a little hard, even good change, because we are creatures of habit at our core, my husband especially, so when something rocks that comfort… well, it can feel uncomfortable. But still SO GOOD! Having a husband home in the evening. Being about to go to the grocery store after 8 p.m. BY MYSELF… swoon… I am living the life.

I am continually reminded how fast and fleeting life is… the whole ‘days are long but the years are short mentality.’ Some days feel like a freaking eternity, Lord knows, but my do the months fly right by. The good, the bad and the perplexing… like why do my children LOVE to dance around naked? Why are they offended by shirts with collars, pants with snaps/buttons and having to wear new shoes? Why does Liam run around and shout “banana” in the most annoying voice I have ever heard? And in the next minute run up to me and give me a hug, thanking me for being a good mom? How can Jack be both victim and assailant in the same day? Why does Simon (almost) never put his coffee cup in the dishwasher but instead takes the time to rinse it and set it next to the sink, three feet away from where it should go? And for Simon’s benefit… why do I remove my shoes wherever I happen to be and then leave them there, all over the house? And why does George insist on barking at stupid things like the ice coming out of the ice maker or the sump pump turning on?

So that’s where we are… I’m also starting to think about some business planning for both professional and personal endeavors… 2015 has some room in it for new things. Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life. I should go cross stitch that on a pillow.

Letting you in on a secret…

ememby_differentawesomeJack is nervous to start school. My fearless child who never lets anything hold him back. Who counts past 800 and would keep going if I let him. My youngest who has displayed more stamina and stubbornness in his 5.5 years than I will ever hope to have in a whole lifetime. Mr. Full Throttle, Guns Blazing is nervous.

My fearfully and wonderfully made kiddo is anxious and I figured this out because a) he has been acting like a crazy cling-on child and b) he asked to wear a long-sleeved shirt when he visited his kindergarten class. As soon as he asked, my heart jumped into my throat because I knew why. Why, on a morning that was already warm and humid, my child who regularly runs around shirtless in the winter, was asking for a long-sleeved shirt. He wanted to “hide” his little hand, his lucky fin.

I have tried very hard to never ask him if he is worried or anxious about something because of or in regard to his little hand. Yes, we talk about it often but in the context of what he can do, or why other people (mostly kids) might be curious about his hand. I have never wanted to suggest to him that his hand should make him self-conscious or anxious or worried, especially if he never indicated that he felt that way about it. Sort of how we only know that the sky is blue because someone taught us the name of that particular hue, but if they had told us it was green – we would call it green until otherwise corrected, none the wiser. Clearly he knows his hand is different, but unless he tells me that the idea of it causes him worry, I wasn’t about to suggest that it should.

But now it appears that he is indeed worried. Which I sort of knew would be coming and actually his surgeon had said would probably happen when he entered school (and again in the teenage years) – that there would be some anxiety or uneasiness around that transition until kids got to know him (which can happen in minutes) or had sated their curiosity. It is 100% normal for people to wonder why he has one smaller hand. Oh, but I cringe just thinking of how that curiosity presents itself or will be phrased: “What’s wrong with your hand?” and those are the nicest alternatives… kindergarteners have a smaller vocabulary where “wrong” is rather benign when faced with options like strange, weird, gross or anything else negative (and the vocabulary will only get bigger and meaner as he grows – a future I pray for fervently; I know that bullying is not tolerated and that people take so many things in stride but stray comments and lingering stares are still bothersome to kids and as hurtful as anything overtly stated).

So when he asked for the long-sleeved shirt, I paused and then asked, “Hey buddy, are you worried about school and maybe anxious about your hand?” He asked what anxious meant and I told him it was like being nervous or not knowing what people would think or wondering if they would look at it. And he said that yes, he was anxious about it. And so I told him he could wear a long-sleeved shirt if he wanted but that people were only curious about his little hand because they didn’t have one of their own and maybe they wondered how he had one (reminding him again that I loved his little hand and that we are all different). And I asked him what he tells people when they ask about it and he repeated, “I just say, that’s how God made me. I was born that way.” And then we revisited the Lucky Fin Project’s Facebook page and I showed him pictures of the kids and adults on there who were going to school just like him and doing lots of other activities. I remembered that there was a post from Jordan at Born Just Right about her advice for kids like her going to school. So we watched the video and read her books that she gives to the kids in her class before she starts school. And once again – what a gift that community is to us! Jack didn’t change his mind about the long-sleeved shirt, but I could tell he was less anxious about it and more ready to face the day than he had been 15 minutes prior. (And after Jordan’s video, he asked to watch all the videos the Holderness family has created – they are super entertaining and we have watched them so very many times, but they have nothing to do with limb differences.)

I wish he wasn’t anxious about school in any way but I certainly wish he wasn’t anxious about his hand at the same time I also know it’s only natural for him to feel that way. Jack’s old enough to notice the stares (which quite frankly stink – it’s so much better to just ask a question rather than obviously stare) and he gets frustrated when he can’t do something the same way or as easily as his brother (like monkey bars – which can be done, it will just take perseverance which he has in spades). At his request, he and I both went and talked to his teacher together, with me guiding him to tell her what we’ve taught him to say about his hand. “I was born that way. It’s the way God made me.” And then he showed her that he can bounce balls and clap and do all the things any other kindergartener can do (this was right before he stole plastic coins out of her toy cash register). I will email her all the info I normally tell his teachers and we’ll go from there. We have prepared him the very best we could for the first day of school and I just pray that he makes a new friend or two quickly and isn’t held back by any thoughts of his little hand.

Ironically, his little hand really isn’t the first thing you notice about him. In fact, it isn’t something people always notice at all… it can take many months of seeing him before many adults take note. I think this is two-part, the first being because it truly does not hold him back – there is absolutely no “dis” in his ability, he is simply differently-abled when it comes to certain things like bike riding, monkey bags and swinging tennis rackets. And second, he does try not to draw attention to it – he certainly doesn’t introduce himself by waving his little hand in people’s faces and often tucks it behind him or up into his sleeve. On this last point, I’d love to see a change in him… I mean the kid doesn’t lack for self-confidence, so I’d love to see him more outwardly proud of that little hand – not hiding it when he’s in new situations.

It’s our job to keep building up that confidence and giving him opportunities where he meets others with limb differences or sees their accomplishments. We will keep giving him the vocabulary to talk about his hand and practice with appropriate responses to people’s inquiries. Sometimes we have to make stuff up on the fly, for example: One of the school-aged kids at daycare who both my boys are friends with so I am confident he had the best of intentions, asked Jack if he could give him a dollar to touch his hand. I get the other kid’s curiosity and frankly, one of my favorite things is feeling his little hand grasp onto my fingers because it is so unique. Jack didn’t seem bothered by this request, but since he was asking me about it, I knew he wasn’t certain it was okay for this kid to have asked. So I told him honestly, if he wanted to do that, it was okay with me that “Fred” wanted to give him a whole dollar for something as silly as touching his hand and I explained that he was probably just curious about Jack’s little hand because he didn’t have one and wondered what it was like. And then, God bless him, Liam piped up and said, “Yeah, he doesn’t have a cool little hand. I kind of like having a brother with a little hand!” Right or wrong, “Fred’s” request was not mean-spirited and what’s important is that Jack feel comfortable in these situations and how they play out. We take them as they come and figure it out along the way – which is pretty much the sum of parenting. No matter how many kids you have, they are all different – all with their own individual set of worries and differences – we need to love them and build them up so they can thrive and succeed. Our job is to make sure they know they are awesome – just the way God made them. Because the one thing we have in common is that we are all different.

Recipe Sharing: Lemon Herb Dressing

A brief intermission to share with you my new favorite dressing/vegetable topping…
I recently made this delicious Summer Squash Gratin with Salsa Verde from Smitten Kitchen. I adapted the sauce/dressing because a) I HATE parsley with a passion and b) have tons of basil out on my deck. I made some other tweaks and very much enjoyed the leftovers on salads for the next couple weeks. Here’s my version in case you would like to make your own. I’ve been having it on fresh tomatoes and fresh mozzarella or grilled veggies. Enjoy!

Lemon Herb Dressing
1 cup fresh basil leaves
1/4-1/4 cup fresh mint leaves
1 t. dried thyme
1 t. dried oregano
1/2 t. sea salt
2 cloves garlic, roughly chopped (or more to your liking)
2 T. capers, drained (these could probably be left out, but you may want more salt or to substitute kalamata olives instead)
juice of one lemon
1/2 c. olive oil

Put all ingredients except olive oil in food processor (or blender). With machine running, drizzle in olive oil until you get the consistency you desire. Store at room temperature in airtight container for up to two weeks. Alternatively, you can make larger batches and pour in large freezer bag and lay flat in freezer until frozen. Break off and thaw portion you would like to use as desired.

One more week…

School starts in one week. Well, technically 1 week and 1 day. And I gotta say, those 8 days cannot go fast enough. Try as I may to want to make the most of them because I know that once school starts life is different and crazy and filled with structure, must-dos and battles over homework, I’m also more than ready for a little break from all this togetherness with my precious children. I love them but we are all driving each other crazy.

We need time apart. And I know I’m not the only one who thinks this. The common refrain I hear (and echo) when I get together with my friends is, “Oh my goodness, are your kids driving each other (and you) crazy, too!?” The end of summer is near and we all know it.

Full disclosure: I sat on the couch yesterday, in tears because Liam was being mouthy (and generally 8) and Jack had refused to stay at my parents’ house as planned. I was disappointed to not have an anticipated break from my highly spirited and intense youngest child and mad at myself for feeling disappointed; and frustrated with Liam for not helping matters (because he was grumpy about not get a break at home from his brother). Simon was tired from having worked all day on a normal day off so I knew he was hoping for calm when he got home. We were all spent and feeling annoyed with each other. It’s not a great feeling to have as a parent, but it is inevitable, that much I know. I’m not the only one who has ever felt this way, not the first or the last… parenting is hard. [Yes - I've said versions of this before here, here and here.]

After a little time out, we regrouped and split the kids up and went on an outing. The evening ended up much better than the afternoon. And this morning I heard Jack telling Liam that it was the best day ever because I had told them they could play Wii and have candy before breakfast. Each day is a new day and while we are still ready for school to start, I’m no longer in tears and on edge (my kids are still driving me nuts and now there is a thunderstorm happening so George is losing his mind). But maybe you are and maybe you need a reminder – the list above is like my parenting mantra… the things I repeat to myself when I feel overwhelmed. Hope they help you and if you don’t need them now, you probably will at some point (if you click on the image you can download a printable PDF).