Things I’ve Learned From My Kids

I am far (so far) from being any kind of parenting expert but my kids have taught me a few things…

• If your child looks guilty, even if you think it isn’t possible that they have done something wrong, they ARE guilty of doing something wrong.
• Everything is funnier if you insert the word poop, booty and, yes, penis.
• Anything can be turned into a vehicle or a gun.
• Chicken nuggets taste best in dinosaur shapes.
• You can get super excited and feel super proud about properly directed streams of pee.
• Jelly beans make most situations better.
• Driving with the windows down is the best way to ride in a car.
• I don’t have to be afraid because God is always with me – they are much better at putting this into practice than I am.
• Playdates are awesome.
• Adding more children the same age as your own kids to a playdate actually makes it easier, until you need to feed them all, then it is chaos!
• Sharing is very hard.
• A good babysitter will not only keep your kids alive, but will love them (and sometimes let them watch TV before bed) (a great babysitter will get your kid to poop on the potty for the first time).
• It’s not my job to bring reality to situations (at least not all the time) but to encourage them to dream big and try their best in all things – reality sets in soon enough.
• Parenthood is mostly thankless but 120 percent worth it and you will only realize the work your parents put in once you have your own kids.
• Your kids will drive you nuts on a daily basis but you would die for them in a heartbeat and certainly cause physical harm to anyone who threatens them (including, irrationally, other people’s children who are mean to your kids).
• Never judge other parents who you see in public doing something you’d “never in a million years do” yourself because a) you never know the circumstances of their situation and b) you will/would do it.
• The best days almost always include ice cream or cuddling, preferably both.
• You will repeat the same phrases time and time again, with the same hopeful expectation that this time they will listen and it will be the last time you have to say that particular thing. In constant rotation will be “I don’t think [some ill-advised decision] is a good idea” and “Please don’t [maim in one way or another] your brother!”
• If you have boys, the bathroom is never clean, particularly the toilet.

There’s so much more, but for now, that’s enough.