I had another post all scheduled to go today… most played songs of 2012, it’s been postponed. I’ve been thinking all weekend about what I wanted to say about what happened in Connecticut on Friday, what I could possibly have to add to all the words that are being said. I have read and heard many things that resonated with me, that have given comfort and helped frame my thinking about what happened.
Here is what I know:
I will not seek out information about the person who did this; there is no tidbit of information that will give me a satisfactory answer to the big question of WHY?
We will never understand what makes a person murder innocent people, especially when those innocent people are children. It is inexplicable and uncomprehendable. It is senseless.
Evil is rampant in our world, but that does not mean God is absent. He weeps for us and with us.
Something needs to be done to address the problems of our world, I have no idea how everything (or anything) can be fixed but I can pray, that is the very least and the most important thing I can do.
Countless lives were changed on Friday, directly and indirectly and once again, as has happened in the past with Columbine, 9/11, tsunamis and shuttle explosions, we will never be the same again. When things like this happen, the ripples are felt (big and small), we have to learn how to ride them out. It’s okay to be sad and mourn, we are not being self-indulgent if we do so, we are showing empathy.
We cannot let this tragedy be turned into soundbites and endless rounds of the blame game. We failed, all of us; none of us are perfect or without blame. But we have to try and do our best and make a difference if and when we can.
We cannot let fear control us. It’s never not scary to send our children out into the world. We are not promised limitless days here on earth.
What happened in Sandy Hook is senseless and desperately sad. My heart breaks for the parents. It breaks for the teachers and students who survived, who saw things no one should ever have to see. My mind rages against the unfairness of it all, rejects the muscle that evil is trying to flex. My soul longs for heaven, as much as I enjoy my life, the joy is nothing in comparison to what awaits me there.
“A man can no more diminish God’s glory by refusing to worship Him than a lunatic can put out the sun by scribbling the word ‘darkness’ on the walls of his cell.” C.S. Lewis, The Problem of Pain
May the glory of the Lord shine upon us and may He give us His eternal and everlasting peace.
My kids say that all the time… “It’s not fair!” And often I respond with, “Well, life isn’t fair.” I’m sympathetic like that. But it’s not untrue… life isn’t fair. We are not promised fair. We don’t get everything we want (or even half of what we want) and I truly believe it’s important that my kids don’t grow up thinking that they do deserve or get it all, that they are entitled. Not to crush their little spirits, but to teach them that in reality, you have to work for things, you have to put in the effort and earn some things and despite everything you do, that thing you want, it still might not end up being yours. Even in disappointment, they are still loved and while not always fair, life is still good.
Along the way, along the journey of life, you often gain other things you were never expecting – things you never even dreamed of wanting. You have some options with that, you can be happy with what you have – accepting the gifts of the unexpected and being grateful for all you do have or have earned OR you can be bitter and feel like you are lacking and always striving for more. Only one of those ways will ever lead you to contentment. Only one of those ways will ever help you grow and become a better person. And only one of those ways will show you what it means to be truly thankful and feel totally blessed; and it’s not the way that’s always leaving you wanting more.
I started this post by drafting a list of things in my life that aren’t fair and was going to comment on how I could see those things from a different perspective but instead it’s turned into something more (this has happened before). Sometimes I want to have a grown-up “that’s not fair” tantrum but in the midst of that moment (or week or month), I need to remind myself that despite how I feel, God is in control of all of the things. He’s got the tiny details and the mega-big picture all under control. I may want to do missions work but can’t because our life can’t/won’t/doesn’t accommodate that but that doesn’t mean God won’t use me some other way because a mission field doesn’t have to be halfway around the world. I may wish Jack didn’t have to deal with other kids looking at him differently because of his little hand but God has given us such a gift of insight into what it means to be different in big and small ways and He has given Jack a personality that will not be held back or deterred by what others think. And I may be sad about friends who are moving away but I’ve been given the gift of that friendship and my life will be forever changed by the footprints on my heart and by the way God puts people in our lives just when we need them, in the perfect capacity that we need them (plus distance doesn’t remove a friendship, it simply changes the geography).
Bigger things will come, people will get sick, tragedy may/will strike and all the little things might gang up on us and make us want to hide our heads and shout out “IT’S NOT FAIR!” But I pray we might hear God’s voice say, “You’re right, it’s not fair, but that is life and let me show you what I would like to teach you about that. Here’s my plan for you…” Because while we aren’t promised fair, we are promised that we are loved and that God has a plan.
No a perfect picture but just what I needed to see this morning on the way to early-morning PT. Liam joined me for this session so I could just drop him off at school afterwards and it was just a nice morning, complete with a gorgeous sunrise over Reed’s Lake. Makes me want to get up early tomorrow and see it again (and that’s saying a lot).
And like the sunrise, this song makes me want to do better things for myself. Give it a listen if you are looking for a little (Christian) inspiration. It’s a new favorite of mine.
Eleven years, though a year longer than ten, it doesn’t seem like as big of a deal because people remember things with whole numbers, or by fives. But it is still a big deal. It’s still the biggest deal. Anytime people die there’s an impact – but there were so many at once; so many who were simply going about their day. So we remember and never forget what happened on that day.
In lieu of a full out rehash of my memories once again, instead I’m re-posting what I wrote last year. My story hasn’t changed, my memories and feelings are still the same. I can’t look at the clear sky on this day and not be instantly brought back to that morning. We are forever changed. And we remember.
All weekend I’ve been reading people’s blog and Facebook posts about their memories of 9/11 and of course have been thinking about my own.
Like the majority of the Tuesdays for the last 10 years, I was at work on September 11, 2001. I used to come in to the office very early because I liked being the first person there – the quiet of the office gave me time to make coffee and check my personal email (these were the pre-laptop and smartphone days for me). So I’d guess I’d been at my desk close to 2 hours when my coworker got a call from a friend of hers who sounded sort of shaken up. I put the call through to her and after a few minutes made my way around to her office to see what was up (we were all nosy like that). Sherrie was already online, checking out cnn.com – which would become our tenuous connection to what was happening in our country for the next few hours, that and the radio since we didn’t have a television in the office.
We did not see the planes hit either building and for that I am so glad, because it’s shocking enough to watch it ten years later, knowing what’s going to happen. Instead we each sat at our desks, frantically refreshing our web pages, hoping for new information and reports that would tell us it was all over. I remember wondering when it was going to end and what this would mean for our country.
Another coworker came in to the office and hadn’t heard anything so I quickly told her what was happening and urged her to call her daughter who lived in NYC with her family.
We gathered in one office, sitting on the floor and listening to the radio, hearing Dan Rather’s voice crack as he reported the first tower’s collapse. I remember feeling disbelief that this was actually happening, thinking it couldn’t be real. Terrorism was brought to our doorstep in the worst, most unimaginable way. We would each steel ourselves away to call family and friends, checking our computers for more updates. I was on instant messenger with my SIL in Texas when the second tower went down. Again we wondered when it was going to end.
After that I don’t remember much. I’m pretty sure we went home early, unable to concentrate on work or think of anything else. At home we watched the news, seeing and hearing all the reports in real time, not having to wait for a website to update or for a server to allow us access to the information.
The next few days were just a blur. We were all in shock and we were so far removed from the epicenter of what happened, I can’t imagine what it would have been like to be closer to what happened. My coworker’s daughter was safe, no one I knew directly was in NYC or on a plane that day. Yet, I moved through life feeling dazed, unable to compute what happen, to believe that there were people in the world so filled with hate and so driven to bring ruin that they would do these things. People die every day, natural disasters happen and kill larger numbers of people, but this was different. This was calculated and motivated by hate and so, so senseless. Pure evil.
I remember the silence of the skies overhead. Our office was fairly close to the airport and we were accustomed to hearing planes coming in for landing or taking off and for days it was quiet, aside from the fighter jets going to and from a nearby Air Force base (hearing those jets still makes me shudder). A friend got married the following weekend and it was a welcome couple days of happiness and celebration – we were all grateful to forget about the rest of the world and get wrapped up in something so joyful.
The following month friends and I planned a girl’s weekend in Chicago – a tradition of ours – and we happened to get a hotel in the shadow of the (then) Sears Tower during the Chicago Marathon weekend. We had a great time but I’d guess we were all a little freaked out when we heard a plane above us, praying the city would not be a target and that another attack wouldn’t occur.
It’s true, life goes on. We were all affected by what happened on 9/11, whether directly or indirectly, whenever we are faced with our own mortality and weakness, we can’t help but feel something – outrage, fear, worry, sadness, disbelief. A year later, I arrived at work at the same time as my coworker whose daughter lived in NYC; it was another beautiful day with clear blue skies. We got out of cars and met in the parking lot as a plane was flying overhead, having just taken off from the nearby airport and we hugged each other fiercely, both of us sobbing because despite the passage of time, those feels were still so fresh and familiar, forever connected to that day. But things continue to happen – people get married, babies are born and trips are planned – we keep living our lives with the new knowledge that things can change quickly. We survive and come back stronger, knowing what we can withstand. Because we have to have hope and faith that good will win over evil in the end; and that evil doesn’t get the last word.
The Friday after 9/11, there was a television special called America: A Tribute to Heroes that brought together celebrities and musicians in a way I hadn’t seen before – of course since then, it’s happened other times for New Orleans and Haiti. I listened to the CDs from those performances with great regularity since then because the emotion was so raw and the love so evident. Those songs helped heal the wounds I felt from 9/11, because good can be born in adversity and love does win, no matter how strong the hate. Life is hard. God is good. Heaven is certain.
I am, and always have been, afraid of bees. And wasps, hornets and yellowjackets. Anything that buzzes and could sting me. I’m not allergic to them (that I know of), I just hate them. When I was little and one of those little flying creatures came near me, I would run inside terrified, adrenaline coursing through my system. I still get that rush of adrenaline whenever I kill one. But the other day I was driving and thinking about things (as you do) and my mind wandered to bees and wondering what it would actually feel like to get stung (because, despite my fear, I have never been stung). It’s not like the pain would be more than momentary, like the prick of a needle. And yes, I know there can be resulting swelling and throbbing, but really, even that sort of pain isn’t worth the energy I put into my fear of bees. I could get hurt a whole lot worse in a car accident or tripping and falling on the sidewalk, yet I still drive and I still walk places – without fear and trembling.
My fear is completely irrational, as most fear can be. It made me wonder what other things in life I’m afraid of but shouldn’t be and why we let fear rule us when it comes to anything. What are we so afraid of? For me, I think it’s fear of the unknown…bees are unpredictable to me because I don’t know anything about them, but a beekeeper does not share that fear because they get how bees work, they are familiar with how they act and why they sting people (and they’ve also been stung before so they know what to expect). I have the same level of fear when it comes to bats (totally creepy) and things in the water (specifically sharks or jellyfish, but I’m also not a fan of any sort of fish/creature coming near me underwater). I don’t understand these things and they freak me out. But should they? Why do I let them have any power over me? If I can trust God to protect me on the highway, keep my kids safe while they sleep a floor away from me and guard my husband as he travels halfway around the world, why am I afraid of a little bee with its tiny little stinger?
I’ve let my fear of bees overcome me and often make me act foolishly when faced with one. While I’m not thinking I should go and seek out a bee to sting me, I don’t think I need to let the fear control me either – or rather, I should learn to temper my reaction. I can treat them with respect (I realize how crunchy-granola that sounds, respecting a bee) but let go of my fear. Same way with other things in my life. There’s that saying, “Let go and let God.” Meaning, let God take control of that thing you are holding onto, remembering that is ultimately not you who is in control anyway.
While I’m not a worrier by nature (I leave that to my mom – my dad and I used to call her “WW” to stand for “worry wart”) I do fixate on things to the point that I either avoid them or can’t sleep because they are on the edge of my conscience. Instead, I’m going to work on turning my focus to God, letting him take care of things I have no control over and trusting that he will guide me through the times when I get “stung.” So much better than freaking out and running inside (a.k.a., worrying and avoiding). Maybe I’ll become a beekeeper someday, or maybe not (probably not), either way, I’m going to look my fear in the eye and tell it to take a hike – both of bees and of other things in life. Life is unknown, uncertain but God is constant and ever-present, whatever may come.
Hi, I'm Michelle, married mother of two active boys (plus one 9-pound poodle). I'm a proud Michigander, having lived here all my life (besides the 10 months I lived in Chicago during/after college). I love family, friends, God, food, enjoying life and continually striving for improvement.
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