Category Archives: Parenting

I have been tossing this topic around in my head for the last couple weeks or so. Since Jack “graduated” from having to go back to the orthopedic surgeon for any future checkups, we really haven’t had any issues or incidents with his hand. Not to say I don’t notice when others stare at it – both children and adults and a natural reaction, one I have had myself – or that we haven’t talked with people about it (something I absolutely don’t mind doing because education and pride are the two things we can do to open other people’s minds about limb differences), but nothing out of the ordinary. But at some point in December, both Liam and Jack expressed a desire for Jack to have two big hands. Liam said it first and thankfully Jack did not overhear him saying it to me. And then we were in the checkout at the grocery store when Jack said it to me. It cuts right through my heart to hear either of them say something like that, but especially Jack because despite all the times we tell him he is special and that God made him that way and that his little hand is no different from how God made other people different, he has measured himself by the standards of others and found himself lacking, wanting more. It does not surprise me that those feelings are there, but it still breaks my heart.

Both occasions were random occurrences, we hadn’t been talking about Jack’s little hand or hadn’t witnessed Jack having difficulty doing something because of his little hand, they were just out of the blue comments like kids often make. In Liam’s case, I asked him why he thought that – he responded because most people had two big hands. And I matter-of-factually reiterated that God made Jack that way and that while it was true that most people had two big hands, there were plenty of people who had other differences that made them stand out like being very tall or very short, or having to wear glasses or hearing aids, or not having legs, etc… And then I reminded him that Jack would be able to do almost anything with his two hands as they were, just like Jim Abbott who we had met during the summer. Oh yeah, he said, I guess I just wish it was different. I gently told him that I hoped he never said that to Jack because it might hurt his feelings.

In Jack’s case, I simply reminded him that God didn’t make him that way and that instead he chose to make him special with a lucky fin, or a lucky little hand. And then I told him that I love his little hand and that he is going to do anything he wants to in life. And then I smiled broadly at him and at the man behind us in line who was intently listening to our conversation because I will not miss the opportunity to make sure Jack knows that I think he is awesome and to make sure that other people know as well. But, goodness, it’s not easy navigating these waters.

And then yesterday, on the way home from daycare, Jack was doing his usual routine of how no one plays with him at daycare… which, for the record, he says all the time and his teachers assure me that he is the ringleader of their activities – something I have witnessed myself when he doesn’t know I am watching – but I still feel myself getting all mama bear in those moments, thinking of the possibility of those other four-year-olds hurting my kid’s feelings. But this time, he said, “They didn’t want to play with me because of my hand.” Gulp. Who knows if this true, or a perception that Jack has, or just something he has made up because he knows it will get a reaction out of me. Whatever the reason, I think there is something I need to do here, but I am not sure what. What would you do if you were in my shoes? A letter to the other parents explaining Jack’s limb difference and giving them some talking points for their own kids to help educate them about how it is not anything wrong with him or a reason to not be his friend? Suggest a class viewing of Finding Nemo and prompt the teachers to talk about how Nemo didn’t let his smaller fin hold him back and that he helped make him awesome, just like Jack? At the very least, I’ll be talking to his teachers and getting their thoughts/observations. But this is just the tip of proverbial iceberg, as these occurrences will happen more often as he grows up and is in school full time, and he will become more aware of his difference and the attention it draws from other people.

So do me a favor, if you are a parent, please talk to your kids about differences in people and how they should react to and treat someone with a difference, which is: NO DIFFERENT THAN HOW THEY WOULD TREAT ANYONE ELSE. Explain to them that all people are different in one way or another. Prompt them to think about how they would feel if someone didn’t want to be their friend because they have curly hair or freckles, or perhaps were missing part of their hand. Reiterate that some differences can be a challenge for the person, but that the possibilities are limitless. Look up videos and articles on the Internet about people who have limb differences so your kids can see how awesome they are: Tony Memmel, Jim Abbott, Nick Newell, Kevin Laue, Kevin Connolly, Oscar Pistorius, are just a few. And if your kids (or you) have questions about Jack’s hand, ask them, because it’s natural to be curious and we don’t mind. Plus I want to make sure that Jack grows up talking about his hand and not hiding it his sleeve or ever being ashamed of it. I never want him to find himself lacking, but instead to be assured that God has given him more than enough to succeed in life.

Because of Jack’s hand we have really driven home the thought that God made him that way and that God made him special. How much so was really highlighted recently when Liam sadly said from the backseat, “I wish I had a special hand like Jack. What makes me special?” He’s not yet at the age where he sees Jack’s hand has a hindrance or a bad thing (and hopefully he never does) because we have always pointed out the positive associated with it, the specialness. But his statement/question put me in the position of having to figure out what to say to him to make him feel better. To console my sweet six-year-old because he was sad to not have his own “lucky fin.” Can’t say that I ever saw that coming.

I couldn’t say, “Really, you should be happy that you don’t have a small hand like your brother because you won’t have to deal with figuring out different ways to do things, or how to field questions about your hand and stares from strangers (and sometimes friends).” Liam is oblivious to the aspect of Jack’s hand that are not enjoyable, instead, he was focused on wanting that specialness, on it not being fair that his brother has this special thing that he doesn’t have (oh my goodness, no one warns you how much of parenting is soothing hurt feelings and making sure your kids think everything is even). And I (perhaps) forgot that Liam also needs those extra assurances that he is also special, that God made him special, because we make such a big deal out of Jack’s hand. But in this case, he was not comforted by my simply saying that God made him special, too, because He makes everyone special; he pushed me to tell him specifically, what about him physically made him special. I had a God-given moment of genius when I pointed out his belly button, which was different since birth and is now even more different since his little surgery earlier this year and how that was something special about him in how God made him. Thankfully that was enough and he was happy with that assurance, proudly telling his brother, “God made me special, too, because of my belly button.” [Yes, I laughed.]

I have been thinking about that a lot since it happened. Knowing that as they grow, we’ll have to balance how much we talk about Jack being special with also saying the same thing about Liam. Liam needs the same assurances from us as Jack, both boys need to know they are loved and special to us and to God. But I am also struck by Liam latching onto something that most people would see as a negative and by comparison he is left feeling like he is the one missing out [which I think means we have been successful in presenting it as (at the very least) no big deal].

I’ve also been thinking about how, without fail, comparison of ourselves to others will always leave us lacking; feeling inadequate in some way, or like we are missing out. Looking at another person and thinking, “Oh, I wish I had her house/her wardrobe/her body” or “Wow, her kids are listening to her/her husband is so sweet to her/her friends are so wonderful… I wish my kids/husband/friends were more like that” that is the devil right there in your head, telling you that God made a mistake, that you aren’t good enough, that the person you are looking at [and judging] is better than you and that He didn’t make you special. And that is a lie. God doesn’t make mistakes and no one’s life is perfect or more worthy of goodness. We will always feel like we lose out when we put ourselves up for comparison because we see what we want to see, what the other person wants people to see but we seldom see the full story. We don’t know the other person’s pain or struggles; how they are also comparing themselves to their sister/brother/co-worker/stranger at the store and feeling like they don’t measure up. We need to give it up, stop comparing ourselves to others and letting it take the happiness out of our lives. No matter who you are, God made you special.