It’s been a while since I did one of these, not for lack of content, just for lack of time to find the funnies. Past editions can be found here and they still make me laugh. As usual, names withheld to protect the innocent.
Me: Okie dokie… I can get there around thenish
Her: Thenish… nice. I’m stealing that.
Me: [Photo of our clogged bathroom sink] Definitely not going down.
Him: I’m eating dinner… but thank you.
Me: I’m hoping people in my family have really good lists prepared that correspond with really good sales.
Her: That would be very nice of them.
Her: I textured earlier to see if she was coming
Her: And while I was texturing, I also texted her.
Me: Oooh, multitasker.
Her: I’m lucky to have a perfect friend like you.
Me: Yes, we should all be so blessed.
Her: Yes! Dessert
Me: I meant whoot
Her: Ha! Autocorrect strikes again.
Her: I’m going rather crazy around here. I know I should cherish these times but they’re not being very cherishable.
Me: I know, at least I have gotten to go to work the last two days.
Her: You know I was desperate for a break if it meant I had to go running.
Her: I want to chew on things… like chocolate, cookies and chips
Me: Do not do it… you’ve got this.
Her: Yes. I WILL enjoy this totally awesome glass of water.
Her: Previous statement heavy laden with sarcasm.
Me: I noted that…
Her: I am so behind with enews… kim k is having kanye’s baby???
Me: I feel like kanye procreating is like asking for the world to end.
Her: This is really awful news.
Me: The worst.
Her: Just picked up my first bag of chia seeds. Getting more “granola” everyday
Me: I have some in my cupboard, too.
Her: Yes! We’ll be crunchy together!
Her: Wait, that sounded weird.
Her: This is seriously nasty.
Me: At least it should be quick(ish)
Her: Yes, fast and furious.
Me: So the vin diesel of stomach flus
Me: Monday is the official start but I’m going to start cleansing the house of stuff.
Her: By eating it I hope.
Me: Our squirrel was never caught but also never heard from so here’s hoping it’s dead or moved on.
Her: Oooooor, bedding down to start a nest of little squirrels.
Me: Shut your mouth
Me: Dead, I tell you, dead
Her: Those squirrels, whores, I tell you!
Her: If you’re not smelling rotting carcass, death is probably not likely.
Me: I think dead elsewhere, like hit by a car. That happens, squirrels are dumb. And that is how it works in my head, I will not hear alternative theories.
Her: Dumb and whores… squirrels most certainly got the low end of the animal chain.
Me: Just above bats (crazy and despised) and emus (tiny brains and butt ugly)
Me: I cleaned the guest room so Simon can’t snit around about it has he has been doing.
Her: That was moderately loving of you.
Me: I have sour cream and guac and chips
Her: I do love guac and cops.
Her: Well that too. But I meant chips.
Her: Saw Matt Kirkwood [local weather guy] jumping at skyzone
Her: For all the hype, you’d think it was the biebs
Me: In other news, I just picked up my kitchen timer and checked it for a text when I heard my phone chime.
Her: I definitely tried to answer my phone this morning when my alarm went off.
Me: Confession: My kids have been in the same clothes since Sunday afternoon.
Her: Love that. We are such kindred spirits you and I.
Me: And full disclosure. I am in the same clothes but I did take them off to shower yesterday and then put them back on. Sad, but true.
Her: I have you beat. I was in the same clothes from fri afternoon to sun and didn’t shower. Sad, but gross.
[during the Grammys]
Her: Did you get to Adam Levine with Alicia Keys
Me: Even Simon had to say he didn’t mind that version of Alicia Keys
Her: Her boobs may have helped.
Me: He pretty much hates her so much he wouldn’t be swayed by the boobage but the sheer hotness of Adam transcends it all.
Her: I don’t know… even I thought she was hot on those drums
Me: Not sure we can be friends then… on Simon’s behalf.
Me: I hate Chris Brown
Me: Like want to maim him
Me: Or at least lock him in a box.
Me: Called a jail cell.
Her: I could help. Plus, he’s ugly.
Me: (I cannot stop.these stupid periods from popping up between my words, it irks me but I am too.tired to go back and delete them)
Her: But not too tired to write that whole long parenthetical statement…
Me: Just thought you should know I was aware of them.
Her: I was definitely silently judging you.
Me: I could tell.
Her: My girls drive me Barry!
Her: Wow, ‘batty’
Me: But driving someone Barry sounds dreadful, that is a terrible name.
Me: Just to make you feel guilty in case you’re not working out, I am currently on the elliptical.
Her: Ugh. I am totally not working out. I am the worst ever. And you are the best.
Her: Kids still alive?
Her: Is that a no?
Me: Sorry, yes, they are doing relatively well
Me: Are we still on? I am planning on it!
Her: Me too.
Me: I’m like the USPS… neither rain nor snow will keep me from my… friends
Her: hilarious because I just wrote (and erased) “with usps intensity, I will be there.”
Her: We are on our way
Me: Just put our name in. Lots of families here right now, dumb kids
Her: Kids are the worst.
Her #1: I had chocolate on my lip the whole time and nobody told me! Are you my friends?!
Her#2: I totally thought it was like a blemish or something, something that real friends don’t draw attention to.
Her #2: Or, I just thought you had herpes
Her #1: I’m questioning my friendship with both of you.
Me: We are awesome friends.
[a day later]
Her #1: Remember that time I had chocolate on my face and nobody told me.
Her #2: I have no recollection of that. I must not have been there. But I imagine if I had been, I would still be laughing about it.
Me: I remember it fondly… an alternate theory I had was that you got a tiny lip ring.
Me: My eyeballs hurt, I think because of the coffee Simon brought me. I am that person now.
Her: Welcome to the “that person” club
Me: It’s like I don’t even know myself.
Her: Perhaps you should take yourself on a date and get to know yourself. a very extravagant date, spare no expense; after all, it is the first date.
Me: I am worth it.