Category Archives: Texting

Thursday Randoms (post-Thanksgiving edition)

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  • I for real hosted Thanksgiving this year and it went surprisingly well… no big drama, unless you count the brining bag bursting open the night before when I (as directed) tried to turn the turkey over in the liquid to ensure even brine distribution. I mean it’s not ideal to have to sop up 4 gallons of aromatic liquid but on the plus side, I hadn’t yet cleaned my kitchen so it just moved up that task by a few hours. It also wasn’t on my Thanksgiving Day checklist but Simon helpfully added it for me. Though I want it noted that I did NOT drop the bag… it exploded in my sink and again on the counter. Clearly my 29 pound turkey was asking too much of a bag with a 25 pound capacity.

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  • It was an early morning… and I just had to get over the whole touching a formerly living but now dead bird. But really… still gross.
  • Funny story: When I was pulling the pieces out of the bird after bringing it home, I removed the neck from the body cavity and Liam instantly asked, “Do turkeys have penises?” I could not help but laugh.

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  • And though it got done two hours early (the Internet failed me with its handy timetables), it turned out pretty perfectly and I wouldn’t have changed a thing. Though if that size bird is in our future again, I might have to get a larger pan… this one was at capacity. For reference, I highly recommend soaking cheesecloth in melted butter and white wine and then wrapping all that deliciousness around your bird and basting it again every 30 minutes. Cheesecloth is not something I have ever had a need to buy but it made for one moist (ick – worst word ever) and scrumptious bird… and I’m not just saying that, I hope my dinner guests would concur. My gravy, on the other hand, could have used some help… it was a little anorexic.

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  • Even George got to enjoy the turkey the next day when, after we carved up the rest of the turkey to make soup stock, I put up on the counter and let him go crazy with all the pieces we hadn’t yet washed up. Doesn’t everyone have a counter-sized dog? Don’t worry – I thoroughly cleaned the counter post puppy snacking, I have standards.

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  • We did not really do Black Friday shopping, at least not like we have done in the past. Simon went out at 9 p.m. to Target for some movies and my beloved Vampire Diaries season on DVD (only $10 – an annual deal) and the next morning we went out and bought a mattress because ours is embarrassingly old…
  • We are now the proud owners of a bed that is almost too big for our bedframe. I feel like I am sleeping on a throne. Poor George has to take a running leap at the bed and even then he doesn’t make it to the top but can at least scramble his little paws and pull himself the rest of the way up. This might be the thing that he ends up hating us for in his old age (he’ll be 9 in April), first the children that never leave and now a bed that he’s bound to break a hip getting onto or off of (scratch that, I won’t let him jump down on his own, the height of the leap almost ensures a face plant in his near future).
  • But for real, is the mattress not comically large? Our old (albeit very old) mattress only reach the top of the inside circle on the foot board of of our bedframe – a good 6-8 inches below where it is now. We are literally moving up in the world.

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  • And, unrelated to anything Thanksgiving, a text exchange from watching The Voice results show… we were not pleased with the person America voted to save. (hint: one of the ladies).

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Tuesday Musings

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  • I continue to find it fascinating that my kids only ask theological questions while we are in the car… What is heaven like? Will we ever be as old as God since we will live forever in heaven? Will there be food there? What does it look like? How come Satan didn’t want to stay in heaven? Will it be hot or cold in heaven? How can we live forever? What happens if I do something bad? Why did Jesus have to die on the cross? The questions are endless and I do my best to answer them but almost NEVER do they ask them once we are home. It’s like the minivan is their stage for grilling their mom about religion.
  • They also talk about farting and underwear to make each other laugh so there’s that.
  • We did ArtPrize with and without kids… I much preferred touring downtown with just my husband and not having to clothesline Jack by pulling on the hood of his sweatshirt to keep him from knocking down an art piece or crawling under the ropes that keep people back from the artwork (I saw in the news that someone else’s child broke a sculpture that was on a bench… that totally could have been us. In the article, it was funny how the security guy at the venue basically blamed the mom for this happening; clearly someone who didn’t have kids himself, or had the rare breed of child who behaves perfectly in public and doesn’t try and approach the pretty, breakable artwork that was not roped off and seated on a BENCH in a public space).
  • This past weekend was pretty sweet… one of those weekends I always envisioned having when I was a grown up. Friday afternoon Liam had a friend over, then a sitter came and I went out with my college friends. Saturday I went to a thing at church, then got to go have lunch BY MYSELF at Panera with my music and a book, came home and sent Simon off to rugby in Detroit while Liam had another play date with his BFF. We went to a local farm stand for donuts and apple cider slushies (seriously so good), let the kids play and then drove the BFF back home and was invited in for drinks and delicious food which helped pass the evening so wonderfully. Sunday was church, Sunday school, homemade roasted butternut squash soup, a nap on the couch, Simon played outside with the kids and I made applesauce and then the hubs and I watched the premiere of Homeland. I could not ask for more (other than someone to clean my kitchen).
  • I accidentally caught part of an episode of Blacklist and I might like it… the jury is still out on that one.
  • Love The Voice and much appreciate not being bombarded with Christina’s cleavage during the early rounds – I’m sure it will make an appearance later but I might be back to liking her again so I could be inclined to forgive it. [Hilariously I was using my voice recognition for text my friend Stef about it and said, “And I think she’s being less bitchy this year.” And my phone changed it to “b*****” – totally got censored by my own conservative phone.]
  • The Today Show had a segment called Fact or Fiction today where Matt Lauer presented two stories and you had to determine which was real… sadly one about Extreme Ironing (like with the household tool) was true. It is a thing.
  • Simon’s going to Iowa this weekend for a football game with my dad, brother and nephew… here’s hoping this coming weekend is still as good as the last one. I am not real hopeful. There’s a 50/50 chance one of my kids will puke while he is gone. The first three times Simon was gone after Liam was born, the kid threw up each time, no lie. And one time I fell down the stairs (unrelated to the puking), bad things happen with my dearest is away is what I’m saying.
  • I get unreasonably mad at the local weather people when they tell me humid weather is on the way. I hate humidity (dear children, in this case, it’s okay to use the word hate. We are allowed to say we hate humidity and robbers).
  • You really have to love meteorology to want to become a weather person.
  • Just got an email from a retailer advertising mesh yoga leggings… um, no. That seems ill-advised.
  • After reading an article in Costco’s Connection magazine (of all places), I really want to read Malcolm Gladwell’s new book, “David and Goliath.”

In David and Goliath, Malcolm Gladwell challenges how we think about obstacles and disadvantages, offering a new interpretation of what it means to be discriminated against, or cope with a disability, or lose a parent, or attend a mediocre school, or suffer from any number of other apparent setbacks.

  • My kids are OBSESSED with Pokemon. Liam got a Pokemon-branded binder for his birthday and Jack has been carrying around his cards in his hand or a plastic box so yesterday I bought him a 3-ring diner and card-holder pages so he has his very own binder. Last night he slept with it, pulling it up under his cheek and stroking it lovingly. Cute and disturbing.
  • I’m going to print a Pokemon picture to stick in the front of the binder – we’ll see who is the fun parent then!

And more funny text exchanges

It’s been a while since I did one of these, not for lack of content, just for lack of time to find the funnies. Past editions can be found here and they still make me laugh. As usual, names withheld to protect the innocent.

Me: Okie dokie… I can get there around thenish
Her: Thenish… nice. I’m stealing that.

Me: [Photo of our clogged bathroom sink] Definitely not going down.
Him: I’m eating dinner… but thank you.

Me: I’m hoping people in my family have really good lists prepared that correspond with really good sales.
Her: That would be very nice of them.
Me: Thoughtful

Her: I textured earlier to see if she was coming
Her: And while I was texturing, I also texted her.
Me: Oooh, multitasker.

Her: I’m lucky to have a perfect friend like you.
Me: Yes, we should all be so blessed.

Her: Yes! Dessert
Me: Shoot!
Me: I meant whoot
Her: Ha! Autocorrect strikes again.

Her: I’m going rather crazy around here. I know I should cherish these times but they’re not being very cherishable.
Me: I know, at least I have gotten to go to work the last two days.
Her: You know I was desperate for a break if it meant I had to go running.

Her: I want to chew on things… like chocolate, cookies and chips
Me: Do not do it… you’ve got this.
Her: Yes. I WILL enjoy this totally awesome glass of water.
Her: Previous statement heavy laden with sarcasm.
Me: I noted that…

Her: I am so behind with enews… kim k is having kanye’s baby???
Me: I feel like kanye procreating is like asking for the world to end.
Her: This is really awful news.
Me: The worst.

Her: Just picked up my first bag of chia seeds. Getting more “granola” everyday
Me: I have some in my cupboard, too.
Her: Yes! We’ll be crunchy together!
Her: Wait, that sounded weird.

Her: This is seriously nasty.
Me: At least it should be quick(ish)
Her: Yes, fast and furious.
Me: So the vin diesel of stomach flus

Me: Monday is the official start but I’m going to start cleansing the house of stuff.
Her: By eating it I hope.

Me: Our squirrel was never caught but also never heard from so here’s hoping it’s dead or moved on.
Her: Oooooor, bedding down to start a nest of little squirrels.
Me: Shut your mouth
Me: Dead, I tell you, dead
Her: Those squirrels, whores, I tell you!
Me: Truly.
Her: If you’re not smelling rotting carcass, death is probably not likely.
Me: I think dead elsewhere, like hit by a car. That happens, squirrels are dumb. And that is how it works in my head, I will not hear alternative theories.
Her: Dumb and whores… squirrels most certainly got the low end of the animal chain.
Me: Just above bats (crazy and despised) and emus (tiny brains and butt ugly)

Me: I cleaned the guest room so Simon can’t snit around about it has he has been doing.
Her: That was moderately loving of you.

Me: I have sour cream and guac and chips
Her: I do love guac and cops.
Her: Well that too. But I meant chips.

Her: Saw Matt Kirkwood [local weather guy] jumping at skyzone
Me: Awesome.
Her: For all the hype, you’d think it was the biebs

Me: In other news, I just picked up my kitchen timer and checked it for a text when I heard my phone chime.
Her: I definitely tried to answer my phone this morning when my alarm went off.

Me: Confession: My kids have been in the same clothes since Sunday afternoon.
Her: Love that. We are such kindred spirits you and I.
Me: And full disclosure. I am in the same clothes but I did take them off to shower yesterday and then put them back on. Sad, but true.
Her: I have you beat. I was in the same clothes from fri afternoon to sun and didn’t shower. Sad, but gross.

[during the Grammys]
Her: Did you get to Adam Levine with Alicia Keys
Me: Even Simon had to say he didn’t mind that version of Alicia Keys
Her: Her boobs may have helped.
Me: He pretty much hates her so much he wouldn’t be swayed by the boobage but the sheer hotness of Adam transcends it all.
Her: I don’t know… even I thought she was hot on those drums
Me: Not sure we can be friends then… on Simon’s behalf.
[later]
Me: I hate Chris Brown
Me: Like want to maim him
Me: Or at least lock him in a box.
Me: Called a jail cell.
Her: I could help. Plus, he’s ugly.

Me: (I cannot stop.these stupid periods from popping up between my words, it irks me but I am too.tired to go back and delete them)
Her: But not too tired to write that whole long parenthetical statement…
Me: Clearly
Me: Just thought you should know I was aware of them.
Her: I was definitely silently judging you.
Me: I could tell.

Her: My girls drive me Barry!
Her: Wow, ‘batty’
Me: But driving someone Barry sounds dreadful, that is a terrible name.

Me: Just to make you feel guilty in case you’re not working out, I am currently on the elliptical.
Her: Ugh. I am totally not working out. I am the worst ever. And you are the best.

Her: Kids still alive?
Me: n
Her: Is that a no?
Me: Sorry, yes, they are doing relatively well

Me: Are we still on? I am planning on it!
Her: Me too.
Me: I’m like the USPS… neither rain nor snow will keep me from my… friends
Her: hilarious because I just wrote (and erased) “with usps intensity, I will be there.”

Her: We are on our way
Me: Just put our name in. Lots of families here right now, dumb kids
Her: Kids are the worst.
Me: Seriously.

Her #1: I had chocolate on my lip the whole time and nobody told me! Are you my friends?!
Her#2: I totally thought it was like a blemish or something, something that real friends don’t draw attention to.
Her #2: Or, I just thought you had herpes
Her #1: I’m questioning my friendship with both of you.
Me: We are awesome friends.
[a day later]
Her #1: Remember that time I had chocolate on my face and nobody told me.
Her #2: I have no recollection of that. I must not have been there. But I imagine if I had been, I would still be laughing about it.
Me: I remember it fondly… an alternate theory I had was that you got a tiny lip ring.

Me: My eyeballs hurt, I think because of the coffee Simon brought me. I am that person now.
Her: Welcome to the “that person” club
Me: It’s like I don’t even know myself.
Her: Perhaps you should take yourself on a date and get to know yourself. a very extravagant date, spare no expense; after all, it is the first date.
Me: I am worth it.

More funny text exchanges

I got a new phone a couple months ago because it was time for a free upgrade and my old phone was getting “quirky” the only sadness in this is that my new phone doesn’t show the number of text messages sent between myself and the other person. This does mean Simon can no longer make fun of me for the number of messages between certain people but now I can no longer judge the value of my friendships by how much I text that person.* I also was able to keep my old phone so my texting history is forever preserved on that piece of technology… I should probably guard it more carefully, but I’m not exchanging government secrets via text (and really, no one should be exchanging government secrets via text, that would be plain stooopid).

Anywho, I thought you would enjoy another edition of Funny Text Exchanges…

Me: We haven’t texted since Monday, is there something wrong with us?
Her: That’s the weirdest thing ever.

Me: You need to make yourself a reminder note that says “Dear Satan, STFU.”
Her: Ooh… we should make that on bracelets.
Me: Craft night!

Me: I cleaned all day Saturday… not my favorite [understatement of the century]
Her: Nor my gift.
Me: I rather hate it but I also hate stepping on hard toys and in sticky messes. [clearly my general cleaning standards are a bit lax]

Me: I just had a visit from your husband.
Her: I’m sure it was nothing less than pleasant.

Me: Can’t hang out tomorrow… will be on a break from real life with my college girls
Her: Just tell your college friends you’d rather hang out with me and our seven kids πŸ™‚
Me: Wait… seven
Me: Are you pregnant? Because I am not.
Her: Sorry I can’t count

Her: I honestly don’t know what I’d do if there weren’t all of these music shows on… I am successfully wasting hours each night
Me: That’s me with so many forms of television

Me: Happy thanksgiving to you! So thankful to have you in my life!
Her: So thankful we found each other.
Her: I mean – not in a weird way.

Her: Just ate a dunkin donuts jelly donut and thought of you [I worked there in high school]
Me: I had a mcd’s diet coke yesterday and thought of you

Her: How did it go?
Me: They were wonderful… lulled into submission by Mexican food (and by Mexican food, I mean fries)

Her: Ugh – I hate sheets almost as much as I hate baths.
Me: Liam threw up in his sleep. Strange. Even more strange that we didn’t discover it happened until he went to go to bed last night.
Her: Ha! And ew. That is strange. He didn’t smell like puke this morning?
Me: Nope… it appears he just threw up off his pillow, no other mess. That is talent.
Her: Nice. We all have our own skills. Some more impressive than others.

Me: Wanna hang out sometime
Her: That would be dreamy

Me: Want to continue our cookie decorating tradition?
Her: Are we brave enough to attempt that?
Me: At your house πŸ™‚

Her: Uh oh
Her: Just realized you left the dip
Me: Phew, thought it was puke related… I now live in fear we are going to infect the world
Her: I will start that more like: you jerk

Me: Got a new phone. I have lost our million text messages.
Her: What!?
Me: My message count is now 3
Her: Four

Me: What, you don’t want to include us in family time?
Her: I’m a cold hearted snake

Me: Another mom just parked next to me and applied new hairspray before getting out of her car to pick up her kid.
Me: I was totally judging her… bad me
Her: Yes, for shame on you for judging us thin-haired static-sufferers
Me: I am contrite.

*If you think that statement is true then I shake my head at you… some of my favorite people don’t text and I still love them greatly.

Funny text exchanges

Because I don’t delete my text conversations, Simon rolls his eyes at me when I tell him the number it shows next to certain friends’ names which indicates the ridiculous number of texts we’ve sent back and forth to each other… but we all avoid talking on the phone and it’s much nicer to go back and forth with a friend in a non-public setting (people who have endless conversations on each other’s facebook walls, I’m looking at you). I was super sad when my phone up and died earlier this year, not just because it was a huge pain the rear, but also because I lost all my texts and that made me sad. Some awesome tidbits were in that back log… pregnancies, birthday wishes, unexpected relocations back to Michigan, silly exchanges… and they were lost. Woe to me (first world problems, I have them).

In the interest of not losing these things… here are some text exchanges that have amused me, names withheld to protect the innocent (a.k.a., my friends who share my texting “problem”).

Me: I’m baaack! [meaning, I got my phone back]
Her: Yes! Yes! Yes!
Her: Oh… and I’m pregnant?
Me: What… for real? This does not seem like a joke thing so OH MY GOODNESS!! SO HAPPY!
[same person, couple months later]
Me: You just butt-dialed me.
Her: Actually you were in my front pocket… so I baby-dialed you!


Her: Just remembered the downside to warmer weather… more baths. Ideally, that is.
Me: I was thinking the very same thing today… guess my kids will be stinky
Her: At least my kids will be in good company.


Her: Seeing you always warms the cockels of my heart. Except I talked too much. I hate when I do that.
Me: You did not talk too much… I wonder if this is a common misconception on both our parts.
Me: PS I feel the same way about the cockel-warming. πŸ™‚
Her: Nothing worse that cold cockels. Except maybe finding egg drippings in your turtleneck two hours later.
Me: Better than two days later.


Me: In other news… Is it my archenemy, a squirrel?
Her: At least it’s not in your bed.
Me: Thank God for small favors (or relatively large ones, because a creature in my bed would freak me the frak out)


Her: Our friends just had a baby named Liam, joining his big brother Jack.
Me: This probably means I could never be friends with them.


Her: And the KY “date night” display at the end of the diaper aisle seems very out of place.
Me: Eww, why go there in the diaper aisle? No place I feel more in the mood. Really.


Her: I’m watching Oklahoma. I think I’m a nerd.


Her: We’re on a date but can send when I get home.
Me: Please, hurry home from your date and get me that recipe, woman., Where are your priorities?
Her: Told [hubby] we had to go πŸ™‚


Me: Dawson (a.k.a., James vanderbeek) had a baby today and now I feel old.
Me: I follow the beek on Twitter, this is how I know. Sad.
Her: Did Dawson name his kid after a fruit or color??


Me: How ate you today?
Her: I ate ok…
[both of our autocorrects thwarted our efforts to type “are”]


Her: We ate neurotic crazy people.
Her: We ARE
Her: Didn’t take up cannibalism


Her: I’m blaming the time change for all of this bedtime angst.
Me: I’m blaming my crappy kids.


Her: Choice? Chioce? neither are looking right


Me: Just left the van door open while we were at Target.
Her: Did you check for stowaways.
Me: Didn’t but we just gave them a ride to Kava House
Her: Well, aren’t they lucky?


Her: How’s your night?
Me: Praying for the boys to finally fall asleep and drinking wine…
Her: Drinking crystal light
Her: You win.


Her: Top of my list of things I don’t love: grumpy husbands
Me: Trump card, you are making another human
Her: Exactly. πŸ™‚
Me: Poo on him πŸ™‚


Her: If I could go back and tell my college self some words of advice, one thing I would say would be to get some damn sleep already.
Me: And take up running.
Her: And don’t major in poli sci
Me: And don’t bother with premed
Her: Enjoy all the friend time. It will NEVER be like that again.
Her: Also, switch to diet coke ASAP, Sprite is going you no favors.


Me: What vibe am I putting out there?
Her: You’re crazy and you know it!


Her: [she] is annoying in all forms… maybe she can become a life coach?


Me: I dreamt two nights ago of Nathan Fillion, downton abbey, a bag of umbrellas and a rapid squirrel.
Her: A fast squirrel or a poisonous squirrel?


Me: Thanks for the diet coke PSA
Her: Just trying to help πŸ™‚
Me: I’ll quit when you do.
Her: Maybe the week after we quit sugar?
Me: But first I need to give up coffee
Me: diet coke is safe for now
Her: Hooray!!


Her: Diet coke is good for the heart and the teeth.
Me: It’s practically a health food.