Friends

At 35 years old I’m still trying to figure out where people go. I feel like I often want something different than what the other person wants (that’s part and parcel with being a person who has too much empathy, I’m always worried I’m making the other person uncomfortable with my needs or hoping they are happy with where the friendship is at, etc… instead of just being the best version of myself and accepting that not all people have to like me as much as I like them, if at all). As an act of self-preservation, I tend to stop trying or rather, only giving back when I am first given to which is (frankly) a little more selfish than I’d like to be in life but it does protect me from getting my feelings hurt. But, it kind of makes me a crappy friend because I’m always worried about losing that friendship so I don’t give it my all and shy away when I feel like things are out of balance.

Don’t get me wrong, I have lots of friends (not bragging, just saying it like it is). I have good friends I love spending time with and friends who I have a wonderful give and take with – people I’ve known for years and people I’ve known a short time – all of whom bless my life in many, many ways; who I can’t imagine not having in my life. But I’ve kind of always wanted that one special friend, a sister-friend – the person who just knows me and so much of what goes between us is unspoken – the kind of friendship where you never once question if you are on the same page because there simply isn’t a book. But the thing with sisters is that they are born into and I only have brothers (who, along with being not-sisters, are also a couple decades older than me) and my husband (who again, not a lady) so I sort of missed the sister train and I have been looking for a way to get on for most of my life but I seem to be a person who just takes short trips. As you get older, it’s harder to board that particular train for the long haul (to continue the metaphor) because you don’t have the time to invest in the background of the friendship – the basis that sets the context for the rest of life going forward. When you make friends with people who already have families who take priority (just as mine does in my own life), you have less time available to log those hours that lead to the unspoken part of friendship. Who knows, maybe 20 years down the road, I’ll have that sister-friend in one of the people who are in my life now and she will have read this blog post and rolled her eyes at me (because I am totally rolling my eyes at me). Until then, I’ve got a position open for the part of sister-friend*… I make great margaritas, killer desserts and have a slightly off-kilter, irreverent sense of humor; am also slightly needy.

What kind of friendships do you want/have in your life? Sister-friend(s) or lots of good friends? What are you missing?

*Not to be confused with sister-wife, that I am not into.