ememby

And more funny text exchanges

Posted on May 8, 2013 | 5 comments

It’s been a while since I did one of these, not for lack of content, just for lack of time to find the funnies. Past editions can be found here and they still make me laugh. As usual, names withheld to protect the innocent.

Me: Okie dokie… I can get there around thenish
Her: Thenish… nice. I’m stealing that.

Me: [Photo of our clogged bathroom sink] Definitely not going down.
Him: I’m eating dinner… but thank you.

Me: I’m hoping people in my family have really good lists prepared that correspond with really good sales.
Her: That would be very nice of them.
Me: Thoughtful

Her: I textured earlier to see if she was coming
Her: And while I was texturing, I also texted her.
Me: Oooh, multitasker.

Her: I’m lucky to have a perfect friend like you.
Me: Yes, we should all be so blessed.

Her: Yes! Dessert
Me: Shoot!
Me: I meant whoot
Her: Ha! Autocorrect strikes again.

Her: I’m going rather crazy around here. I know I should cherish these times but they’re not being very cherishable.
Me: I know, at least I have gotten to go to work the last two days.
Her: You know I was desperate for a break if it meant I had to go running.

Her: I want to chew on things… like chocolate, cookies and chips
Me: Do not do it… you’ve got this.
Her: Yes. I WILL enjoy this totally awesome glass of water.
Her: Previous statement heavy laden with sarcasm.
Me: I noted that…

Her: I am so behind with enews… kim k is having kanye’s baby???
Me: I feel like kanye procreating is like asking for the world to end.
Her: This is really awful news.
Me: The worst.

Her: Just picked up my first bag of chia seeds. Getting more “granola” everyday
Me: I have some in my cupboard, too.
Her: Yes! We’ll be crunchy together!
Her: Wait, that sounded weird.

Her: This is seriously nasty.
Me: At least it should be quick(ish)
Her: Yes, fast and furious.
Me: So the vin diesel of stomach flus

Me: Monday is the official start but I’m going to start cleansing the house of stuff.
Her: By eating it I hope.

Me: Our squirrel was never caught but also never heard from so here’s hoping it’s dead or moved on.
Her: Oooooor, bedding down to start a nest of little squirrels.
Me: Shut your mouth
Me: Dead, I tell you, dead
Her: Those squirrels, whores, I tell you!
Me: Truly.
Her: If you’re not smelling rotting carcass, death is probably not likely.
Me: I think dead elsewhere, like hit by a car. That happens, squirrels are dumb. And that is how it works in my head, I will not hear alternative theories.
Her: Dumb and whores… squirrels most certainly got the low end of the animal chain.
Me: Just above bats (crazy and despised) and emus (tiny brains and butt ugly)

Me: I cleaned the guest room so Simon can’t snit around about it has he has been doing.
Her: That was moderately loving of you.

Me: I have sour cream and guac and chips
Her: I do love guac and cops.
Her: Well that too. But I meant chips.

Her: Saw Matt Kirkwood [local weather guy] jumping at skyzone
Me: Awesome.
Her: For all the hype, you’d think it was the biebs

Me: In other news, I just picked up my kitchen timer and checked it for a text when I heard my phone chime.
Her: I definitely tried to answer my phone this morning when my alarm went off.

Me: Confession: My kids have been in the same clothes since Sunday afternoon.
Her: Love that. We are such kindred spirits you and I.
Me: And full disclosure. I am in the same clothes but I did take them off to shower yesterday and then put them back on. Sad, but true.
Her: I have you beat. I was in the same clothes from fri afternoon to sun and didn’t shower. Sad, but gross.

[during the Grammys]
Her: Did you get to Adam Levine with Alicia Keys
Me: Even Simon had to say he didn’t mind that version of Alicia Keys
Her: Her boobs may have helped.
Me: He pretty much hates her so much he wouldn’t be swayed by the boobage but the sheer hotness of Adam transcends it all.
Her: I don’t know… even I thought she was hot on those drums
Me: Not sure we can be friends then… on Simon’s behalf.
[later]
Me: I hate Chris Brown
Me: Like want to maim him
Me: Or at least lock him in a box.
Me: Called a jail cell.
Her: I could help. Plus, he’s ugly.

Me: (I cannot stop.these stupid periods from popping up between my words, it irks me but I am too.tired to go back and delete them)
Her: But not too tired to write that whole long parenthetical statement…
Me: Clearly
Me: Just thought you should know I was aware of them.
Her: I was definitely silently judging you.
Me: I could tell.

Her: My girls drive me Barry!
Her: Wow, ‘batty’
Me: But driving someone Barry sounds dreadful, that is a terrible name.

Me: Just to make you feel guilty in case you’re not working out, I am currently on the elliptical.
Her: Ugh. I am totally not working out. I am the worst ever. And you are the best.

Her: Kids still alive?
Me: n
Her: Is that a no?
Me: Sorry, yes, they are doing relatively well

Me: Are we still on? I am planning on it!
Her: Me too.
Me: I’m like the USPS… neither rain nor snow will keep me from my… friends
Her: hilarious because I just wrote (and erased) “with usps intensity, I will be there.”

Her: We are on our way
Me: Just put our name in. Lots of families here right now, dumb kids
Her: Kids are the worst.
Me: Seriously.

Her #1: I had chocolate on my lip the whole time and nobody told me! Are you my friends?!
Her#2: I totally thought it was like a blemish or something, something that real friends don’t draw attention to.
Her #2: Or, I just thought you had herpes
Her #1: I’m questioning my friendship with both of you.
Me: We are awesome friends.
[a day later]
Her #1: Remember that time I had chocolate on my face and nobody told me.
Her #2: I have no recollection of that. I must not have been there. But I imagine if I had been, I would still be laughing about it.
Me: I remember it fondly… an alternate theory I had was that you got a tiny lip ring.

Me: My eyeballs hurt, I think because of the coffee Simon brought me. I am that person now.
Her: Welcome to the “that person” club
Me: It’s like I don’t even know myself.
Her: Perhaps you should take yourself on a date and get to know yourself. a very extravagant date, spare no expense; after all, it is the first date.
Me: I am worth it.

5 Comments

Posted in Life in general, Texting

Multiple reminders

Posted on May 7, 2013 | 2 comments

I’m in need of multiple reminders this week that despite my worries, God is in control of everything. I have done my part and now I need to have patience and wait for what is to come. Waiting is so hard. Trusting is so hard. Having patience is so hard. Not worrying is so very hard.

But I have no choice but to wait, trust and have patience. And I can choose not to worry. It’s all good. It’s better than good.

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I choose to count my blessings (could you remind me of that). I choose to have faith and confidence and know that even the worst case scenario of not selling our house is still not the worst thing that could happen to us. The worst case scenario is easily something we can deal with, just not something we’d like to deal with. Yes – I hear you – it’s only been a week that our house has been on the market, but foolish me had hoped for more interest and a quick sale but I have no control over those things so what good does all the worry do me? No good at all. Second verse, same as the first.

2 Comments

Posted in Faith, Life in general

It’s Friday!

Posted on May 3, 2013 | 6 comments

Happy end of the week to you! After Simon got home from work last night I had a sad revelation, it was only Thursday night and not Friday night – a whole day of work was still between me and the weekend – ugh. Granted, it’s not hard work, but it’s also not sleeping in (ha, as if that happens, especially since we took the child lock off the door leading upstairs – now the kids can just run upstairs the minute they wake up and there’s nothing to stop them).

As usual, I have a bunch of thoughts swirling around in my head so you get a list… enjoy and feel free to share your own random thoughts in the comments.

While we were in Texas, Simon took Liam to tour the U.S.S. Lexington and came back with a slew of photos that all looked like the above – Liam standing in front of something, a slight smile on his face and hand shoved in his pockets. This is classic Liam – when he’s super excited about something, he clams up and acts super shy. Every birthday he opens presents that I know he has been desperately wanting and gives this timid reaction akin to what you would expect if he opened a package of underwear or a box of oatmeal. This baffles me because he’s normally pretty exuberant about little things in life but when it comes to things that you would think would get a big reaction, he looks just like the above picture… like eh, whatevs… this apathy drives me nuts.
Our house listing went “live” yesterday and we have an open house scheduled for Sunday afternoon. There’s nothing more we can do at this point. But I am seriously considering baking cookies and creating a coffee bar for the open house… you would totally want to buy a house where the owner was so hospitable, right? [I’m half joking.]
It’s very strange to see your house in photos that are meant to make it look its best, but realistically don’t look at all what it normally looks like. It’s like a hotel house.

Jack tripped stepping off the deck yesterday and I had my back turned so I didn’t see it happen but I heard his forehead smack the pavement and the sound was just the worst kind of sound. I feel like there is a special kind of miracle that happens when your kid falls down, because so often what you imagine the outcome is going to look like is not at all what happens and thankfully this time it was the case as well; he has a bump and scrape on his head but it could have been so much worse. It didn’t stop me from checking on him throughout the night and worrying about a brain bleed or cracked skull. Thank goodness for hard heads.
Liam had a friend over for a play date last night and it is clear that potty talk and faked bodily functions are just par for the course for all boys. Ugh. Why is saying underwear funny? Why, I ask you?
I make mixed CDs pretty much every month so we always have music we like to listen to at the ready when XM radio fails me (XM – why do you love Nickelback and Shawn Colvin?). I put a Matt Redman song on the last one and my kids regularly request the “God song” which made me realize I should just make a CD of all God songs and see what they do with that. Liam did tell me the other day that I should talk to him about God more often; noted, my pious little child. What songs would you add to an all-God-song CD?
We are going through the new house tomorrow with the current owners – is it strange that I really want them to like us? Is it possible they will like us so much they will leave their Bosch washer and dryer? A girl can dream.
I’m a little excited about our plans for the weekend, outside of the new house tour, tonight my small group ladies are coming over to hang out, eat good food and hear my “life” story; tomorrow night it’s a GNO with my college friends and Sunday night a little Cinco de Mayo fiesta with our small group.
In other news, I better heat up the elliptical.
Simon went out with the small group guys last night and it just makes me laugh because I asked what they talked about and he said, “I don’t know, stuff; lots of things.” This is pretty much the same answer I get from Liam every day when I ask how his day was… some things never change no matter how old you get.
I’ve happily discovered (thanks to food sampling) the large plain Fage Greek yogurt they have at our Costco tastes just as good with honey on it as the split cups I’ve been buying since Texas and is much cheaper to buy that way… I’m obsessed with it and have had it every morning with blueberries and raspberries.
Liam’s school is going a walk-a-thon today called Walk with the Dogs and it just occurred to me that it was named that not because parents were encouraged to come and bring their dogs to walk with the kids but because the school’s mascot is a bulldog. For someone who values common sense, sometimes mine is a little slow on the uptake.
Our neighbor said to me when he learned we were selling our house, that he was “always having to break in new neighbors” which makes me laugh because I have lived there for 10 years…
I feel like I’m in perpetual need of a nap, that is until I am in bed and trying to sleep. Then I can’t sleep and waste time pinning recipes and home decor ideas on Pinterest, searching for dining tables on Craigslist and playing Candy Crush Saga (addictive).
During bedtime prayers, Jack ALWAYS prays for the following people in this order: “And I love mommy, daddy, Liam, George, grandma and grandpa and Quinn (my niece)…” He will almost always add more family members, but always starts with those seven first. So, Quinn, you have made quite an impression…
The boys’ goldfish are still alive.

Happy weekend-ing, y’all! Hope you have a great one!

6 Comments

Posted in Random

And there it is…

Posted on May 1, 2013 | 3 comments

I anticipated this, as well I should have, the anxiety that comes with change. It’s normal and it’s natural but boy does it suck. I would love to be a cool cucumber and not worry and I thought I was going a pretty good job but my sore jaw (from clenching my teeth in my sleep) would be a good indicator that I have a mite bit of anxiety. It’s funny, I trust that God is in control, I trust that we are following sound advice and I trust that we are making the right decisions and yet I can still hear the little voices that tell me otherwise.

Dear voices (i.e., that pesky devil): Please shut your pie hole. Muchas gracias. You are not welcome here, now or ever. Sincerely, Me

The first time you go through a house you love, the only things you see are the things that you love… the second time, when you go through with someone who you are asking to pick it apart and uncover any issues, well, you see the issues – even if they are comparably insignificant and very overshadowed by the good. I don’t know about you, but the issues, those are the things that cause me grief. But when I bought our current house, the realtor told me (extreme paraphrasing here, I’m sure): in every good home sale, both parties feel a sense of anxiety that they are the ones losing out, the ones drawing the short straw, when in reality, both are both winning, you’re just both compromising to reach an final decision. What is it about compromise that makes us feel like we are losing? Also, there is the small detail of the unknown of our house selling, stranger things have happened; despite the unlikelihood of it NOT selling, it’s still a variable in this all.

So, today, I need the reminder: anxiety does nothing for me. Trusting that God is in control, no matter what the outcome, that will give me peace. In the meantime, I’ll be taking an Aleve for my jaw and any prayers and happy thoughts you’d like to send my way.

3 Comments

Posted in House, Life in general

Eight is Great

Posted on April 30, 2013 | 7 comments

Happy anniversary, Simon, in lieu of a gift, I got you a blog post (oh, and we bought a house, so I think we’re good – that’s the traditional gift for the eighth anniversary, right?).

In the interest of full disclosure, I think we can honestly say that the 7th year wasn’t the favorite of our married years. As naturally happens, it came with a lot of growing pains and stress fractures, but I think we are better for it because you know what happens when a bone breaks? It knits itself back together stronger than ever and that’s what we are… back on track after navigating some bumpy roads. Like Ben Affleck said in an acceptance speech, marriage is work but it is the best kind of work (yes, I just quoted Ben Affleck in my anniversary gift to you… free to mention Kate Beckinsale to me later, I won’t even roll my eyes). But even in a season of stress, some of my happiest times were with you which is everything.

You are my best match, my strongest supporter and my biggest champion. I know you often think better of me than I do of myself, which makes me a lucky girl. We could always be more for each other, but that can always be said and as it is, we are more than enough… we’re still learning and growing and improving.
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You frustrate me like no other person but I love you more than anyone else so that more than makes up for it. I pray for you daily and I know the coming months of change will be a challenge for you who likes order above all things. You can do it… but remind me to show you a little grace (again, I won’t even roll my eyes at you).

Thanks for gamely putting up with my propensity for taking self-portraits and going along with last-minute changes when every fiber of your being fights against change. I know I don’t always make things easy but together we make things better. I love our life and our boys; I love you.
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