It has been far too long since we had a recounting of all the bizarre search terms that lead people to this blog (past versions here). It is actually quite heartening to see some of the terms like the ones looking for bible verses or inspirational phrases or that include questions about symbrachydachtyly. But then I see all the many, many search terms for some variation of “freakishly long toes” and “ingrown nails” and I question humanity and wonder why all those people want to see pictures of freakishly long toes or ingrown nails and why, 4 times, people specifically searched for “ememby feet photo.” Ewww. And shudder. Also, people clearly still miss and love Skidz pants because that is in the top five most popular items that led people here, right after “roll ’em Fernfock.”
Others that have tickled my funny bone:
- teachers tutorial | Lord help the students of a teacher looking for a tutorial on how to be a teacher. You are in the wrong profession.
- adorable+preteen+blog | Well, this is a blog. It is not adorable, nor is about preteens so sorry, you are 1 for 3. Also… stop searching for blogs about adorable preteens – no good can come of that for anyone.
- there are two things I would rather do in my life | Than what? If you’re going to be that specific in a search, you’d think you’d include the thing you’d rather not be doing… And why limit yourself to only two things? Be creative and shoot for at least five things – you can do it!
- ducklings blown away | Really? Firstly, ducklings aren’t that big so them being blown away is not going to be much to look at. And, just… gross. If you are looking for an “adorable+duck+picture,” click here. Much better than ducklings being blown away, you big dummy.
- things that perplex a person | This search term makes me imagine some sad little person, suffering from insomnia who decides they have exhausted all other search options for the internet and now they must know more about things that perplex other people (or just a single person) so they can concern themselves with other people’s perplexities.
- listen hand | I read this as “Listen, hand…” said with great attitude like the person was going to tell that hand right off.
In reality, the person was probably searching for the term “listen to the hand” but left off those two small words as the search results would have come back with too many possibilities (user tip: put your phrase in quotes so the only results will match that exact phrase). [Edited because I had a brain fart. Left in for your further enjoyment.]
- we all stumble or fall but it is what we do for ourselves die with us | This seems like it might be two different quotes (maybe even three) and right now it is currently beyond me to figure out what this person might have meant. Perhaps it’s actually a very deep thought… no, it just doesn’t make sense.
- instagram photo of girl sitting in sink licking plate | Personally, I prefer to use my dishwasher.
- couldn’t stop messing my diaper | Either a very advanced baby who knows how to type was using Google OR someone out there needs to visit a gastroenterologist and maybe not my blog.
And in all fairness, here are some of the search terms I’ve used recently:
- rainbow loom storage
- how many countries are there in the world
- pillsbury crescent sausage
- synonym finder
- height of normal 7 year old
- vintage aluminum camping bunk
- minecraft vector art
Previous posts in this string can be found here.
My apologies to the people who found my site by searching for the following: “big toes,” “mountain villa” and “before having surgery what I need to bring to hospital”… I’m quite sure you did not find what you were looking for. [Side note: Anytime I write or say a phrase that includes “what you were looking for” I cannot help but think of the U2 song, “Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For.” And now it is in your head, too – you are welcome.]
Other search terms that brought people here:
- chop “my hair” and donate “my hair” | Those quote marks were necessary because why? The quote marks indicate you wanted to make sure the phrase “my hair” turned up together in the search results; does this mean without the quotes you were finding sites related to chopping your nose hair or donating your back hair?
- songs for special moments | For some reason, this makes me giggle every time I see it. I wonder what special moments they were hoping to set to music… I hope they chose wisely because there is much potential for disaster if you were hoping to set the mood for a first kiss but picked “Butterfly Kisses” which would be better suited for a father-daughter dance (or, really, for never playing, ever) and probably killed the mood of that special moment. “Want to make out? Here, let’s listen to a song that will remind you of your dad.” Go for “Kiss Me” by Ed Sheeran – that’s a winner. Unless you are hoping for a father-daughter dance song and then it is not appropriate.
- bungee attach kids to parents | This just seems like a bad idea, but amusing for others to witness. But I am the second listing on Google when you search for this exact phrase so I can understand why you might have clicked on my blog. I do love using bungee cords to making my parenting go more smoothly.
- camping is our family tradition | Considering we have only been once (or twice according to Liam, since he counts the time we slept in a tent in Stef’s backyard), I think it safe to say camping is NOT our family tradition – should have used quotes with that phrase.
- wait is very hard | Indeed. Also hard, proper grammar.
- how can I longer a toe | Not sure why you would want to “longer” a toe? But then, you don’t seem that smart. I have no need for longer-ing my toes, they are plenty long all on their own.
- braquidactilia severa | I had to Google this term myself as I had no idea what it was, but it appears it’s Spanish for severe brachydactyly (shortening of the fingers) which is related to symbrachydachtyly; love that the Internet connected that with my site (not amusing, just true).
- suck up those tears | With a vacuum?
- my second name is definitely not patience | Mine either (or would it be neither?). In fact, I doubt there are many people (if any) with a second name of Patience. But then, celebrities name their babies things like North (West) and Pilot Inspektor so really, nothing is impossible. Also, the phrase you are looking for is probably “patience is not my middle name.” Also, did you hear that the new prince of England is named after my miniature poodle, George?
Previous posts of this variety can be found here.
I do find it endlessly entertaining (if not a little worrisome in some instances) to see what search terms brought people to my site…
- #1 search term of the last quarter: kippers (the canned fish I used to love), I’m apparently not the only person who wants to know more about this delightful snack… or was perhaps subjected to them by their older parents or grandparents. I still haven’t gotten up the gumption to try them again.
- Sadly, my runner up search term is gratitude, by half as much. So twice as many people found my site by searching for canned sardines as thankfulness, what does this say about our world?
- I’m also happy to note there are many variations on symbrachydachtyly and I’m glad people are seeking out more information about limb differences and I hope that other parents are finding the site helpful to them as they navigate the world having a child with a limb difference. I think together we can make a difference, not just for our own kids but for kids with all variations of differences.
- I’m less thrilled to tell you that there are multiple variations including something about toes, or (my favorite) college toes (is that a thing?), including the eerily specific “michelle ememby feet,” the sad “hate hate toes” and the disturbed “freakishly huge big toe” (sorry, my big toe is average, but my other toes are freakishly long).
- preteen monster | Four people searched for this specific phrase which makes me worried for a few years from now when my kids are preteens, clearly this is not something to look forward to.
- god’s plan for you | I gotta tell you, the Internet is not going to reveal God’s plan for your life… but you might want to check in with Him or the Bible.
- young girl in velcro rollers | Sorry, I’m an approaching middle aged mom sometimes puts velcro rollers in her hair, not likely what you were looking for.
- balls removed surgery | file that one under: not great
- thanksgiving fingernail designs | for the person with (literally) too much time on their hands
- what state has a license plate that is green on top and blue on the bottom | not sure how this long, specific search term led you to my site. But I had to google the term myself and found there is a plethora of sites dedicated to license plates. This is a wee bit sad.
- ways to cut toddler hair to avoid mullet | this one made me laugh out loud, but it’s true, mullets must be avoided at all costs, especially on toddlers
- why is it that when I eat chicken tikka masala I can’t sleep at night it’s insomnia | The “it’s insomnia” just kills me; asked an answered.
- bookmark little preteens | Um, what? Would you like a bookmark with little preteens on it? Are you looking for preteens so small they would fit on a bookmark? I just don’t know.
- chili bowl hairstyle | As opposed to soup or salad bowl hairstyles?
- slow people drive me crazy | Me too, though I have never felt the need to google it to find others like me.
- pray god with say | Again, I’m confused.
- finger ingrown | I’d imagine having an entirely ingrown FINGER would hurt. And also be impossible.
- made up designs of battle bridge hexbug | another winner in the category of dedicated parent; they are like me, who has been known to reference YouTube to find out how to get passed a level in a Wii game. Thank goodness for geeky children (and grown ups) who video themselves going through various levels (with and without amusing commentary) of Lego Wii games.
- what did one direction do in January 2012 | I have no idea and I’m okay with that. But I will venture a guess that they made some sacrifice to Simon Cowell so they could cash in on all manner of fame and also sing in the Olympics opening ceremony.
How about a little laughter at other peoples’ expense? (Previous posts of this variety: August 2011, November 2011, March 2012, May 2012 and July 2012).
- yarn lanterns | this search term is actually in the top ten so far this year which baffles me and also makes me think I should give the following warning: yarn lanterns are perhaps fire hazards, please do not burn your house down by putting a candle in something made of yarn.
- baby rooms for guys | everyone knows that a baby’s room is decorated purely for the pleasure of its mother (as is our right), I’m still hoping this person is allowing some influence from the father and is not with someone who wants a baby room for themselves, like some sad fetish fantasy. Men can sometimes act like babies, but if your man wants to be a baby, turn and RUN! [And if you like that, please don’t read my blog.]
- top ten things people use everyday | did this person want a list so they could make sure they were using the right things or just like everyone else? It’s not too hard to imagine what those things might be: toilet, sink, bed, couch, car, brush, toothbrush, shower, coffee (duh) and credit card.
- music to make me happy | I hope this person found what they were looking for but that would only work if they like the same kind of music as me… not if they were into say, country or heavy metal or latin fusion.
- kid boy pee | I just like this funny chain of words, simple and succinct, no extra words to muddy the search engine waters
- pictures of ingrown finger nail | gross
- mens gymnast with porn mustache | this just made me laugh out loud because I saw him on tv, too, this person and I would be friends
- what is liam’s favorite song and why | what is liam’s favorite song is in my top ten search terms but this one adds the little “and why” and it made me smile… again, what Liam are you wondering this about? Why does his opinion matter so much to you?
- “second toe” “freakish” AND “toes are” “longer than” | two separate searches related to toes with random quote marks… people, I have strangely long toes, deal with it.
- does anyone else think chris martin of coldplay voice sucks? | nope, just you
- what’s bradley cooper’s favorite animal | a panda bear? a humpback whale? a Macaroni penguin? Really, I have no idea but I do think it’s cute that someone wants to know this. Maybe it’s for a report they are writing for school on their favorite actor or maybe it was a search executed by a journalist looking for some personal tidbit of information to add to a story… thinking, what would make Bradley Cooper even more adorable? Oh, I know, maybe he loves Persian kittens.
- dunkin donuts floor plan | what do you need to know this for? The only thing you need to know about Dunkin Donuts is that they have a counter, behind which are donuts and you can buy them to stuff in your mouth hole and make your stomach happy.
- crocs in public | I’ve done it, I just don’t care what you think about it. People go to the grocery store in the pajamas, my wearing plastic shoes is nothing.
- what were your awkward years | If you must know, 5th grade through freshman year of high school (ish). Some could argue that the awkward years are still in full effect, but that someone can just shut up.
- smelling surgery mask | I honestly can’t think of any reason for this search term as it is and that is all.
Most popular in the last quarter:
- roll ’em ferndock | see this post
- skidz pants | see this post
- kippers | see this post (also, the last time I was home, I saw some in my parent’s cupboard)
- symbrachydachtyly | see these posts
- something related to buttercream transfers or lightning mcqueen cakes | see this post
- liam’s favorite song | here are some songs he likes
- ememby | congrats – you’ve found my blog, hope you were looking for me
How about a little look-see at some more search terms that have led to my blog? [Past installments are here, here, here and here; and to be fair, things I’ve googled.]
My top five terms are still ones I’m happy with:
- ememby (people are looking for me, unless there is a celebrity couple that has been dubbed “ememby” that I don’t know about – in which case people are going to be mighty disappointed that I blog about my kids people’s google searches)
- skidz pants (not sure what the obsession is there, also near the top is hypercolor shirts)
- roll em ferndock (this makes me feel like I’m not so strange for always having said this phrase – incorrectly or not)
- symbrachydactyly (this is what Jack’s hand being small/undeveloped is called, I hope people find this site helpful to see that it’s not a disability but a difference)
- lightning mcqueen cake (I made one, it was awesome – see below; instructions on how to make your own, linked to here)
Now, here are some recent (and amusing) search terms that have brought people to my bloggity blog:
- teacher themed party | I sincerely hope this was not a party they were planning for a child, can you imagine the other children’s disappointment when they arrived at what they thought was going to be a fun birthday party and the mom was like, “all right children, it’s time to grade papers and make lesson plans!”
- random dark spot on hand | mine went away, hope yours does, too.
- trash cans and recycle bin combo in black for the house | very specific, good job – I admire this person’s googling skills/tactics – also, mine is Black and Decker and it is awesome!
- nooks and crannies rooms | this makes me think of a room filled with English muffins (Thomas, the ones with all the nooks and crannies); also, the more times you saw crannies, the more likely you are to laugh
- cute “preteen” | No luck in finding a cute preteen on this website – I was a wee bit awkward and my kids aren’t that old; also, please don’t be a pervert, you are not welcome here or anywhere
- originally wrapped bottle | of what, pray tell?
- saying bad words to someone; a kid saying a bad word | there were multiple iterations of this which is amusing and sad – I hope people are looking up funny videos or hoping to make themselves feel better about their own parenting because their kid also swore. Mine have sworn, both with and without malice and I’m certainly not the worst parent out there so feel better all you google searchers.
- “my lovely sweater” | is this a phrase people say that I don’t know about? Otherwise there is no reason for the quotes and you’re probably going to be disappointed with the search results because your specific lovely sweater is not going to be found.
- god songs 2012 | Might I recommend Chris Tomlin, Matt Redman and the Newsboys?
- what is the most rare squinkie | this search was conducted by one of three people: 1 – a child with access to the internet and excellent typing and reading skills; 2 – a parent who wants to get them the best of everything (a.k.a., a spoiler); or, 3 – a big loser (sorry to be judge-y)
- never judge other people’s children when you have your own | speaking of judge-y – truer words have never been spoken, now if only all people could just avoid judging parents, that would be awesome; of course, that said, if someone is physically, emotionally or verbally abusing their child in a manner that makes them unsafe and/or makes your skin crawl, you should do something about that – though, just judging them is still not the way to go.
- song we are young friends are in the kitchen getting higher then that empire | also very specific and for future reference, the lyrics are “my friends are in the bathroom getting higher than the empire state” and if your kids question you about these lyrics, it’s perfectly okay to tell them the people are practicing jumping very high in the bathroom
- how to not be awkward during your awkward years | this is a very self-aware early teen searcher because I’m quite certain most people don’t know they are in the awkward years until they are past them
- lick my feet instagram | are they asking instagram to lick their feet because that can’t really happen, instagram is a website, not a person; also, ewww.
- moves like jagger poodle singing | Sorry, my poodle is cool but he can’t sing and if he could, I’m quite certain he would actually sing “Can’t Touch This” by M.C. Hammer. He’s old school.
- rectal temperature | I’m going to assume this was a new parent looking for help in taking their baby’s temperature; sorry that had to happen
- guy fieri womanizer | of all the celebrities I’d be curious about being a womanizer, Guy Fieri would not even be in the top 100.
- my everyday diamond pendant | While I do have everyday jewelry, none of it is of the diamond pendant variety. Sorry.