ememby

It’s fairly obvious to anyone who has been reading my blog (or who has met me in person) that I’m a fairly open book. I do have a filter when I talk to you in person (and on this here bloggity blog) but I will also answer any question you pose to me and am rarely put out by an inquiry made of me by another person. I am who I am and I don’t really see the point in apologizing for it (if I think I’m doing something wrong, I try and correct the wrong – I’m not in denial, nor do I think I’m perfect). So, to that end, here are some things that I would admit to you in person but are fairly strange things to just bring up, so instead I’m listing them here for your cringe-worthy pleasure and [hopefully] amusement; maybe they can help you feel better about yourself in comparison. And hopefully it will help you see that I am a real person, regardless of how you might perceive my life, know I’m just as flawed as the next person (maybe even more so).

• While working on a map for a client, I had to look up on my Googler [thanks, Kara, for that term – it’s my new fave] which state was Utah on the map so I would be sure and note the right one. Those central western states all blend into one in my mind.
• I was trying to think of the last name of the lead singer of Florence and the Machine [obviously her first name is Florence] but all I could come up with was Florence Henderson or Florence Nightingale… or Florence Machine (clearly, not it). For future reference, her last name is Florence Welch.
• I often play Words with Friends on my phone while I am indisposed in the bathroom – at home and at work. [My mom just died a little because I referred to that; also perhaps anyone I play against in WWF.] This was only embarrassing once when my phone rang while I was in the restroom at work and someone else was in the stall next to me, the loudness of the ring made it obvious that my phone was out in the open. [This is not at all as bad as the person I heard talking on her cell phone in the public restroom at Meijer – I felt bad for the person on the other end of her call when she flushed her toilet.]
• I pretended to be asleep very early this morning when Jack came upstairs to cuddle. After a few minutes of tucking himself in beside me, he gave up with a sigh and went back downstairs. It was 5 a.m., I cannot be expected to want to cuddle at that time.
• Despite my utter disdain for Kesha [cannot, will not put the “$” in there], I have to admit to kind of enjoying her new song (Die Young) when I heard it on the Graham Norton Show – but I draw the line at EVER downloading it. I will not do that.
• I sometimes drink out of the milk carton (like a stereotyped teenage boy), if you come to my house and I don’t offer you milk, that is why.
• I do not look forward to helping out with Sunday school or nursery duty; I put in my time in high school and college, I feel like now that I have kids, I should get to enjoy the church service every Sunday. I do, however, still do it with a cheerful heart (or at least attempt at having one).
• I totally laughed this morning when Jack pranced into the kitchen, singing, “I’m shaking my penis.” Then I admonished him and told him that was inappropriate.
• I have, on many, many occasions pulled clothes out of the laundry pile and worn them again.
• I often forget to brush my teeth. But I am really good about chewing sugar free gum, so hopefully I do not offend anyone with my breath.
• I still refer to non-diet soft drinks as “sugar pop” because that’s what my mom always called it.
• I have very nasty thoughts about other drivers and very choice words for them – in my head if I have company and out loud if I do not.
• I am a procrastinator. Why do something now when you can put it off until tomorrow?
• I can’t tell you the last time I mopped the kitchen floor. Or dusted anything.
• I very often say stupid things in front of Simon and almost immediately follow it up with, “Don’t you dare put that on Facebook.” One of these days he’s not going to listen to me because I have posted a number of less than flattering photos of him on FB. It’s a good thing he loves me.
• I feel like I might have admitted this before, but on a few occasions I have used a change in plans (a canceled play date because of illness, for example) as a way to give a consequence to my kids for bad behavior. “Well, kids, since you didn’t listen to mommy, now we can’t go on that play date at our friends’ house.” Nevermind that the plans were cancelled in advance of the bad behavior; in reality, I would never cancel an actual play date due to bad behavior because I look forward to hanging out with my friends while our kids play probably more than my kids look forward to playing with those friends.
• I dislike making small talk. I would make a horrible sales person.
• One year after we moved into our new office I finally unpacked the last of the boxes in our storage room but there are still six boxes of files in the conference room that I have left stacked there for a year. [see: procrastinator]
• Yesterday I had a rice krispie treat for breakfast. [The same treat that caused Jack to dry heave when I told him he had to take a bite in order to have a piece of his Halloween candy.]
• We still have the Halloween candy in our house which we use to bribe our children into good behavior.
• I do not get up early and publish blog posts at 5:00 in the morning, I write them the day before and schedule them to post.

Anything you’d like to confess?